Grief and Triumph

I just stood in my kitchen, after chopping up a sweet potato that a friend gave me in one of those meal-in-a-box things, and I raised my fists to the air in triumph. I’m in my kitchen. Making a meal. Listening to Kesha. I’m alive. I win.

Thirty minutes before that, I sat at the dining room table alone, wracked with sobs and screaming while I typed a reply into a chat window where my friend had asked “How’s it going with you today?”

This must be a kind of grief. I can always feel the scar on my throat pulling. I seek it out with my fingers, feel the ridge of the place where they cut into me. I swing between triumph and grief. The cancer I got is “unlikely to metastasize.” That shit is cold comfort. Unlikely? I would like the solidness of Never.

I’m sitting here, eating the potatoes. Still listening to Kesha. The sun warming my shoulders. My heart sending the blood around. Loss hovering like a fog. I lost half my thyroid. But what I really lost, it seems, is a sense of safety inside this body of mine.

2 thoughts on “Grief and Triumph

  1. Uuuuh, I missed the bit about your thyroid situation.
    ‘Maybe, might, could’. I’ve heard those same words. Scary. Kept myself in a ‘worry ball’. Receiving results of negatives, the terror slowly diminished as is yours.

    I salute you for going through all that while meeting demands of a family. Fortunately, you are living with good humans who remind you to live each moment of the day. Does that make any sense?

    Several of my friends are either on some thyroid drug doing whatever it does to the gland while other pals have glands no more. All are just doing life as usual. One continues to work her stress out in Zumba classes. She’s 73.
    “Lost sense of safety”? Oh, my friend, you are really gonna enjoy your elder years. It’s one thing after another. You’ll get used to it or at least take all in stride. By that time, you’ll have grand-kids to play with. Maybe great-grand-kids.

    Dr.G prescribes a trip to the north. You know where to stop. This is a stress free county.
    It’s all gonna be OK. Your tension will disappear in a puff of smoke.

  2. So sorry to hear you’re going through this. Thank you for sharing with us. One of my favorite quotes during hard times comes from Winston Churchill: “If you’re going through hell, keep going.” Somehow, things get better just by continuing to live.

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