Two big announcements

You may have already connected the dots: the exhaustion, the infrequent posts, the hamburger eating and overwhelm.

I’m pregnant.

This was a deliberate impregnation of the lightning fast variety.

I got the news after 10 days of systematic pregnancy tests. Every day I got a negative, I would mentally scream “Liar!” at the benign looking single-striped stick and drop it in the trash. I had been exhausted in that basement-floor-dropping-out-from-below-you kind of way, and I had also intuited that if we opened the door to this second baby, that he or she would come rushing in.

Confirmation of my pregnancy came right on the heels of a night out I had with the doula who supported us through J’s birth. I asked her at the bar over our beers, “If I’m 37 days after the first day of my period and I’m still getting negative pregnancy tests, I’m probably not pregnant, right?” She said that no, I probably wasn’t and so we proceeded, among other things, to go outside and share a cigarette. Two days later, I was chatting with A about this and was saying something to the effect of, “Now that we know I’m probably not pregnant, let’s talk about this whole idea again. After this first month, and thinking that I was pregnant, it kinda freaked me out to have it happen so soon, and I’m wondering if we should delay things a bit. How do you feel about the whole baby #2 thing?” As I was saying these words, I was somewhat absent-mindedly taking a pregnancy test, since doing so had become as routine as brushing my teeth.

While A was answering me with his typical response in times like these (and at most times, really) the “I feel pretty much the same way I have for quite a while” response, I saw that second purple line fill in.

I felt vindicated. I laughed. I was terrified. I swore a lot. And after A left for work, quite dazed and twitter-painted, I sat and stared into space with something between an elated and crazed look on my face. And I kept swearing. A lot.

That was week 4. I’m now 11 weeks. The swearing has lessened. The complex array of feelings has not. It’s been really hard for me to share the feelings I’ve been having around this pregnancy both because they’re socially unpopular and because I’m uncomfortable with some of them. But a couple of weeks ago, I felt some clarity during a post-toddler-bedtime online chat with a friend from childhood, JS.

JS: does J know he’s getting a baby yet?

Me: J does know.
he thinks its a girl and he doesn’t want a baby in the house.
somewhat representative of my thoughts too.

JS: ha!

Me: its been hard.
i’ve just felt sort of passionless about it.
which makes me feel sad.
and we all know how much it sucks to feel bad about your own feelings.

JS: but that’s legit too.

Me: and then sometimes i get scared.

JS: lots to feel all at once!

Me: it can feel like this big lid clamping down on my life.

JS: oh shit that’s heavy

Me: to be quite real about it, i’ve felt more negative emotions than positive thus far.
and that’s just the truth.

JS: amen

Me: and here i am. still pregnant. moving forward.
thanks for being a gal who digs the truth.
i haven’t really said that to anyone.

JS: hang in there, friend. at least you’re not trying to pretend it’s otherwise right now.

Me: RIGHT NOW i’m not.

JS: honored!

Me: but its hard when i tell people the news and its all CONGRATULATIONS blah blah

JS: yeah, feels out of sync, right?

Me: totally. just on some other plane.

JS: I hear you, lady. and it’s all the right way to feel. all of itMe: nice.
thanks yo.
that is the hardest part.
oh lord…J is in his room saying “hush little baby don’t you cry”

JS: awwww
look out!

Me: hardest part: judging my feelings for being wrong.
i think i just didn’t expect to feel this way.
and it worries me that the feelings mean that i shouldn’t have done/do it.

JS: hmmm…I could see that. you guys didn’t have much time to get used to the idea of trying again before it happened…could still be catching up with all that processing, yeah?

Me: yeah. i think so.
and just saying it out loud, i know that the feelings don’t mean that i shouldn’t do it.
they’re kinda separate.
i want to do it. i’m inspired by it AND i’m also scared and overwhelmed and tired.

So, there you have it, big announcement number one, in all of its awkward glory. As for big announcement number two? I actually think I’m too tuckered out to go into that now. But after a night of out-like-she’s-dead, crazy-dream sleep and some uninspired snacks eaten over a foundation of nausea, I’ll shore up enough energy to let *that* cat out of the bag. It’s a good one, so stay tuned.

13 thoughts on “Two big announcements

  1. YAY! Thanks for sharing all the mixed emotions. But for someone who has been trying to conceive for over a year now, my projected emotions for you is YAY! Conception is such a miracle and you’ve been blessed with all the messiness and craziness and tiredness and confusion that miracle brings. Can’t wait to hear more. xo

  2. Of course you have mixed feelings–you know what you’re getting into and it’s not a total joyride!! But, selfishly, I think it’s wonderful news any time a child is born with two beautiful, awesome parents. He/she is incredibly lucky and will grow up to make the world a better place. Thanks for enduring the bad with the good and making it happen!

  3. All of those things are understandable…and, still, I’m delighted…for you! In my case, simply because I REALLY do NOT like or enjoy infants, having two children really close together (almost 16 months, not quite!) was, yes, a bit nerve-wracking, but got better every day!! Two are not as difficult as the sum of their parts!! So, hang in there with the exhaustion, and yes, Congratulations!! It’s cool…really!!

  4. Oh ho ho! I think I know what announcement numero dos is all about.

    I’m glad you shared the ambivalence. I think it’s scary once we get our lives back from number one to open that door and then feel ambivalent/scared/confused. But it all sounds terribly normal to me. Maybe I say that knowing that when I finally get pg (Lord oh lord oh lord) I’m sure I will also feel ambivalent, terrified, and sometimes like I made the wrong decision–even though I have wanted it fiercely. It’s a hijack of your life. Nonetheless, I have said congratulations once and will say it again. Quietly. : ) And am always here for talk of the ambivalence/angst.

  5. I, too, felt totally unexcited about baby #2, yet it was part of my master plan and I know family camping trips with two boys will be a lot more fun than with one. I was more excited about decorating his room (which had been our junk room for 3 years and I was sick of looking at the clutter) than him. Fortunately, I will say that over the five months since his birth I have fallen in love with him. It is normal, I think, to dread #2 because you know it will make your life damn hard, but he/she will also bring you joy and you won’t regret it. Babies are a pain in the ass, but you’ll love yours dearly anyway.

  6. Your honesty is refreshing and oh so familiar…no one wants to admit it in this culture, so thanks for being one of the brave souls to actually allow yourself to be real with your feelings! I am with you and so are a ton more women. Thanks for your posts!

  7. Congrats to you! I had a lot of conflicting feelings in the beginning of my pregnancy with kid #2 as well. And also, we too got pregnant rigt away. (After one try!). I love that you are sharing your real feelings. It does rock the boat to have a second child, and it’s healthy to feel the full spectrum of those feelings around such a big change. I know you will all do great! Especially J. Sending you lots of love!!!

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